Kindness

by Syed Mesum Ali

“Avoid asking people about issues that you already know are giving them a hard time. You might be trying to help but giving them space is a genuine act of kindness.” -Syed Mesum Ali

Marcus Aurelius mentioned in his writing that, “Kindness is unconquerable, so long as it is without flattery or hypocrisy. For what can the most insolent man do to you, if you contrive to be kind to him, and if you have the chance, gently advise and calmly show him what is right and point this out tactfully and from a universal perspective but you must not do this with sarcasm or reproach, but lovingly and without anger in your soul.” Kindness is a matter of social sensitivity but it requires great care before implication. Our society is predicated on the idea that kindness must be applied in every social situation whenever someone is going through some psychological crisis but what is always missing is the question, “Is this what that person wants?” Another question might be, “Is he the kind of person who demands empathic concerns in such moments of crisis?” We never bother or ponder upon these questions for we think of our behavior as a moral obligation.

For instance, consider a boy who has just failed his examination; he might be feeling guilty or he might be preparing himself to rectify his mistakes. Likewise, he might be trying to meditate or trying to count his mistakes in silence unless our societal social compulsion make its way through his thinking process, people coming in and telling him how he can do better in his future; giving him different strategies to pull himself out from this situation; some might have suggestion and some resentful person might be there to perform some social comparison. If only we stop for a moment and think about the solitude he may need to reflect.

The above example is related to one’s personal life. Psychology has a great deal of respect for individual integrity and is directly concerned with one’s well-being. For example, when I am helping people who trust me with their problems; I have to be attentive and cautious while choosing words. As a psychology student, I must understand that talking about issues is not always helpful because the person facing the calamity might be looking for some personal space or may be trying to keep his problem in a box which he might not be willing to allow anyone to open for discussion. To handle such a situation, I am always looking for cues before I try to say something that directly concerns the problem. I think and believe that such social sensitivity is kindness. For me, kindness is giving them that room and comfort to deal with the problem as they want it. Nobody wants to be their own prisoner, every one of us is involved in a never ending battle with calamities which might be a result of our decision or something inflicted upon us by others.

Every culture has its own understanding of individual and group life. Our culture fails to address the matter of individual differences. While we are trying to help someone, we always ignore the fact that the culturally appropriate treatment we are willing to provide may not be compatible with the nature of the person in trouble. It’s a difficult question but if someone understands the person before looking into his problem, he might be able to provide a long-term solution. I had a friend with many issues with his father; his father was verbally abusive, aggressive and whenever someone tried to help my friend with some gentle words, he hated such cheap empathic reflections. I am giving this example to make you understand that humans have problems that are different and human uniqueness should be countered with thoughtful and flexible solutions.

Sometimes, we confuse someone’s desire to be lonely with their sadness but let me tell you one important fact about human nature; solitude is a kind of arena where one gets ready. I may also refer to it as some sacred internal place where we watch ourselves becoming guardians of our destinies. Herman Hesse said something helpful for understanding loneliness, “Solitude is the path over which destiny endeavors to lead man to himself. Solitude is the path that men most fear. A path fraught with terrors, where snakes and toads lie in wait… Without solitude there is no suffering, without solitude there is no heroism. But the solitude I have in mind is not the solitude of the blithe poets or of the theater, where the fountain bubbles so sweetly at the mouth of the hermit’s cave.”